HARRY L NEWTON'S 

One-Act Comedy Sketches, 

Monologues and 
Dramatic Episodes 




MEET MY WIFE 



A Rose of Mexico A Drama 

A Pair Of Pants Talking Act 

A Jack And His Queen A Comedietta 

An Invitation To The Ball Comedy Sketch 

Chatter Monologue for Males 

Down In Paradise Alley Comedy Sketch 

Family Secrets Monologue 

Izzy's Vacation A Summer Episode 

Keep Your Eye On The Ball 

Comedy Sketch 

Meet My Wife A Comedy Drama 

The Spirit of Captain Kidd Comedy 

Two Girls And Him Comedy Sketch 

What Every Woman Thinks She Knows 
Suffragette Monologue 



25 Cents 



M. WITMARK & SONS, 
Witmark Building 144-146 West 37th Street, NewYork 




MEET MY WIFE 

A Comedy-Dramatic Incident, 

By 
HARRY L, NEWTON 



Copyright 1913 by M. WITMARK & SONS 
International Copyright Secured 



M. WITMARK Sc SONS 

Publishers 

Witmark Building, 144-146 W, 37th Street, New York 

CHICAGO SAN FRANCISCO LONDON PARIS 

Professional performing rights reserved 



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c. 



VN\ <^ > 



MEET MY WIFE. 

Copyright,. 

Note. — The acting rights of this Playlet are ex- 
pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom 
theatrical managers or performers who 
wish to produce it shoidd apply. Amateur 
representation may be made without such 
application and without charge. 



TMP96-006874 



CI.D 34315 



CHARACTERS. 

George Chamberlain The Husband 

,Mrs. Chamberlain The Wife 

Percy Hamilton The Friend 

Time. — Early evening. 

Place. — The Chamberlain Apartments. 

SYNOPSIS. 

George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband who 
is not allowed to drink, smoke or to even have an 
opinion of his own without his wife's permission, 
with the arrival of an old friend one Percy Hamil- 
ton, enters into the spirit of the plot, eventually 
turns the tables on his wife and becomes master in 
his own house. 

A clever little play with strong dramatic scenes 
and situations, blended with unusually good 
comedy. 

COSTUMES. 

George Chamberlain. — Frock coat and light 
trousers, suitable for evening wear. 

Mrs. Chamberlain. — Evening gown. 

Percy Hamilton. — Tuxedo suit. 

PROPERTIES 
Bottle of wine. Small basket covered with nap- 
kin. Revolvers unloaded. Box of cigars. A mag- 
azine and a deck of cards. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 
As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the 
audience, R. means right hand; L., left hand; 
C, center of stage ; L. 3 E., entrance at upper L. 
of stage ; R. 3 E., entrance at upper R. of stage. 



DIAGPcAM OF STAGE.. 



D.R.C. 



CO. 



bXC 



R.3e. 



rue) 

I 

I 



\ 



LX. 



.U.E 



V 



3,e. 



V.2 E . 



AUDIENCE,. 

L. I. E. — Left first entrance. 
R. I. E. — Right first entrance. 
L. U. E.— Left upper entrance. 
C. — Centre of stage. 
R. C. — Right centre of stage. 
L. C. — Left centre of stage. 

C. D.— Centre door 

D. R. C. —Door right centre. 
D. L. C— Door left centre. 



Meet My Wife 



Scene. — The Chamberlain Apartments. Center 
door fancy. Usual parlor furniture, with sofa 
down L. In center of stage there must be a small 
library table over which is suspended an electric 
drop light which can be switched on and off. At 
back R. is a sideboard, with mirror, set oblique, to 
reflect Chamberlain's facial expression to the audi- 
ence. At rise of curtain Mr. and Mrs. Chamber- 
lain are discovered. He is seated on sofa, reading 
newspaper and he has unlighted cigar between fin- 
gers of right hand. She is at sideboard and has a 
mouthful of hairpins and is engaged in puttin.^^ 
finishing touches on her hair. Her waist is unbut- 
toned in back. About twenty seconds elapse before 
opening line is spoken, then : 

Mrs. Chamberlain (Speaking with an effort, 
owing to hairpins in mouth) — George! 

George (Not looking up from paper) — Yes, my 
dear. 

Mrs. C. (Very sharply)— Don\ say '*yes, my 
dear" to me. When I want anything done I want 
it done. 

George (Looking around at her) — Yes, my dear, 
but what do you want done? 



MEET MY WIFE 



Mrs. C. — Well, I've forgotten now, but I want 
it done anyhow. 

George (Meekly) — Yes, my dear. [Short pause, 
during which h- watches her as she fixes her hair, 

then) : 

Mrs. C. {Sarcastically) — If you're not too busy 
you might hook me in the back. 

George {Aside) — I'd like to hook you in the jaw. 

Mrs. C. (Sharply) — What did you say, sir? 

George (Arising) — I said your word is law. 
(Lays dozvn paper and goes to her.) 

Mrs. C. — Are you sure your hands are clean? I 
don't want this waist soiled the very first time I 
wear it. 

George — Certainly not, my dear ; and far be it 
from me to soil my own little darling's waist. 
(Busy trying to catch the first hook.) I surely 
want to have you look your best to-night, on 
Percy's account— ^and, of course, mine too. (Com- 
edy biz trying to fasten a hook.) 

I^.Irs. C. (Squinning as he pulls) — Oh. how 
clum.sy you are. Can't you ever learn to do things 
rieht ? 

George — Why, I thought I was coming along im- 
mense. Look, I've got one hook hooked already. 
Now, steady. Here goes for another. (Puts knee 
up against her and then pulls and yanks at zvaist. 
She gasps and struggles. Put ad. lib. comedy hiz 
hi this scene till hooks are hooked, then he mops 
face zvith handkerchief and staggers hack to sofa 
and sits.) Whew ! 



MEET MY WIFE 



Mrs. C. — -Oh, you make a dreadful fuss over any 
little thing 1 ask you to do for me. {Busy arrang- 
ing hair and looking into mirror.) 

George — Little thing? Great scott! That's the 
biggest job a man was ever asked to do. But I'm 
not complaining, you understand, my dear. Far. 
be it from me to complain — especially since Percy 
is coming 

Mrs. C. {Whirling about and speaking sharply) 
— Percy ! Good gracious, I've been Percied to death 
for a week. I've had Percy for breakfast, dinner 
and supper, and it has been "Percy is such a good 
friend" ; and "Percy is so handsome," and 

George — Well, you wait till you see him — that's 
all. {Pulls out watch and notes time.) He'll be 
popping in here any minute now 

Mrs. C. — I'm hoping I won't be disappointed in 
your friend Percy, I'm sure. {Picks up powder 
puff and uses it on face while speaking.) For my 
part, men are all alike to me. I wouldn't go across 
the street for the best man who ever wore shoe 
leather. 

George — I know, my dear, but you wait till you 
see Percy. He's one chap in a million. Percy is 
the best friend I or any other man ever had. Oh, 
by the way, dear {Slight pause). May I — may I 
smoke ? 

Mrs. C. {Sharply and whirling about) Smoke! 
well, most certainly not. You know I never allow 
you to smoke in the house. 

George {Meekly) — Well, I just thought I'd ask. 



MEET MY WIFE 



my dear. (Puts cigar in mouth and paper in front 
of face.) 

Mrs. C. {Gii'ing hair a last pat with hands) — 
And I told you, and that is final. No smoking. 

George — I got it the first time. But inasmuch 
as Percy was coming I 

Mrs. C. — Oh, there goes that 'Tercy" thing 
again (Sarcastically) . I'm sure I'm going to have 
a perfectly lovely time this evening — quite sure. 

George — I'm quite sure you will. You know 
Percy is a delightful chap any way you look at him. 
He makes an ideal guest. Has a great fund of 
ready wit, stories and all that sort of thing, you 
know. Why, when Percy is around 

Mrs. C. (Standing in front of him, angrily) — 
That will be quite enough, Mr. Chamberlain. I've 
heard all this "Percy" stuff I want to hear. If you 
keep on, when he comes in I'm going out. (Goes 
to chair R., picks up maga-zine and opens it, reads.) 

George (Laying dozvn paper, then looks at her, 
then looks longingly at cigar in hand, starts to 
speak, then hesitates, then coaxingly) — I'm awfully 
sure, my dear, that I would be extremely careful 
with the ashes, and I'd blow the smoke the other 
direction from you. 

Mrs. C. — What's the use in asking foolish ques- 
tions. I said — no smoking! 

George (Meekly) — I just thought I'd ask, you 
know. (Puts cigar in mouth and draws several 
times on it, trying to imagine it is lighted.) 



MEET MY WIFE 



{Door hell rings sharply and George jumps to 
feet excitedly.) 

Mrs. C. {With a sigh, and laying down maga- 
zine) — Oh, dear. Now for a dread f idly pleasant 
evening. {Rises to feet and stands zvith back to 
-center door.) 

George — He's here at last. {Runs to center door, 
then turns to her.) Get a smile on for mercy's 
sake — also Percy's. {Calls off R.) This way, 
Percy, old chap — this way. 

{Enter Percy. George puts out hand and grasps 
his, then pulls him down stage.) 

George {To Mrs. C.) — Here he is, my dear. 
He's come at last. 

Mrs. C. {Who has been standing coldly the 
meanwhile, now turns slowly about) — Indeed! 

George — My dear, I want you to meet Percy 
Hamilton — my friend! Percy, meet my wife. 

Percy — Delighted, I'm sure! 

(Percy and Mrs. C. shake hands in formal man- 
ner, then) : 

George — Let me take your coat and hat, Perc. 
We're going to have one fine visit from you. 
{Takes his coat and hat.) We've been looking 
forward to your coming for a long time. Haven't 
we, my dear? 

Mrs. C. {With deep meaning) — We have, in- 
deed. 

George {Going tozvards hall tree, which stands 
back of C. D.) I've been telling my wife all about 
you, old chap. 



10 

MEET AIY WIFE 



(While George is hanging hat and coat on tree 
Mrs. C. and Percy are exchanging glances, then) : 

Percy (Aside) — By Jove! She's rather a nice 
sort of a woman. 

Mrs. C. (Aside) — He's certainly much better 
than I expected — far better. 

George (Coming down to them) — Now, old 
chap, find a comfortable chair and let's hear all 
about yourself. 

(Percy and George sit beside each other L and 
Mrs. C. R.) 

Percy — Oh, there isn't much to tell relative to 
myself. It's been about the same old sad story, 
you know. First one thing and then another all 
the time. (Aside to George) Go on — start some- 
thing, I'll back you up. 

George (JVinking slyly at Percy) — Watch me. 
(Aloud, getting up and going to sideboard) Yes, 
I suppose (Opens drazver in sideboard and brings 
out box of cigars). Before we go into details, 
we'll have to light up. (Comes down to Percy 
ivith out-stretched box.) (Mrs. C. exhibits angry 
pantomime business.) 

Percy (Picking up a cigar) — your wife? Does 
she object to smoking? 

George^ — My wife? (Laughs loudly) Say, that's 
good, old chap. (Laughs again) My wife object 
to smoking! Not on your life! (To her) My dear, 
do you object to our smoking? 

Mrs. C. (Smiling sweeth, but looking daggers 



11 

MEET MY WIFE 



at him) — Not in the least, my dear. By all means, 
smoke. (Angry bis.) 

George (Lighting Percy^s cigar, then his own, 
then sits down and ^smokes furiously for a few 
seconds, all the time looking triumphantly at her) 
—You know Percy, my wife is one woman in a 
million. She permits me to do just about as I 
want to while in the house. Don't you, my dear? 

Mrs. C. (Sweetly, but looking angrily at him 
and shaking fist) — Yes, dear; of course I do. 

George (Laughing) — Of course she does. 
(Aside) Not! 

-Percy — It must be great to be married, George. 
(Sighs pensively). 

George — Great? Say, take it from me, it's the 
only life. (Puffs hard on cigar and looks mean- 
ingly at her.) 

Percy (Sighing and with pensive look at her) 
— Well, I might have taken a chance, had I — 
(pauses quickly.) 

George — Had you what, Percy? 
^ Percy — Had I met the right one. (Gases sig- 
nificantly at Mrs. C.) 

George — Of course. There's everything in that, 
Perc — everything! Now my wife and I couldn't 
be better mated, could we, dearie? (She smiles 
sweetly, then pantomimes angry bis.) My wife 
and I never have an argument — never a cross 
word — never a solitary thing that isn't in perfect 
harmony. Right, my dear? 

Mrs. C. — Quite right. (Angry bis.) 



MEET MY WIFE 



George — I'm a lucky dog, Perc — wonderfully 
lucky! And now, Perc, suppose you entertain us 
with one of your delig-htfully funny stories. I've 
been waiting a long time for this, Perc. So fire 
ahead. 

Percy — Well, let me see — let me see. (Smokes 
in reflective manner.) Oh, yes. Here's one. A 
jolly good one. One of the best I ever heard. 
You'll be sure to enjoy this one, I know. (Pauses 
OS if trying to remember story.) 

George — Yes, yes ; go ahead. I'm sure it'll be 
immense. 

Percy — Well, it goes something like this, that 
is, the story does, you know. It appears that — 
(Pause) — It appears that — By Jove, I ought to 
remember it. I've told it a number of times. It's 
an awfully clever thing, too — decidedly clever — 
if I could just get the start of the thing. And I'm 
sure you'd laugh. It's about a fellow that meets 
another fellow and the first fellow says to the 
second fellow, he says — it's really awfully clever ; 
then the second fellow says something equally as 
clever and that's where the laugh comes, but hang 
it all, I can't seem to just think of it. Anyhow, 
it is one of the cleverest things I ever heard. 

George — Oh, I'm sure it must be. Wasn't that 
a clever attempt on Percy's part, dear? 

Mrs. C. — Decidedly clever, I'm sure. 

Percy — Pray, don't mention it, my dear Mrs. 
Chamberlain. I know quite a lot more equally 
clever stories. 



MEET MY WIFE 



George — Never mind, Perc — never mind. (Ris- 
ing.) Now, what do you say to a little game of 
three-handed pinochle? My wife plays a remark- 
able game of pinochle, Perc — for a woman. {Bus- 
tles about arranging table and chairs for game, get- 
ting deck of cards, etc.) 

Percy — Oh, Fm sure your wife is clever at any- 
thing, George. {Exchanges glances with her, then 
rises and helps George arrange chairs. They sit 
at small table. George shuffles cards, then passes 
deck to Mrs. C.) 

George — There, my dear, we'll let you start the 
thing off. (Mrs. C. takes deck, starts to shuffle it 
and then allows half the deck to fall to floor.) 
(George stoops and gathers up cards.) 

Mrs. C. — Oh, Fm so sorry. 

Percy {Leaning towards her while George is 
picking up cards) — Oh, it doesn't matter in the 
least, my dear Mrs. Chamberlain. 

George {Straightening up with cards from 
floor) — Not in the least, my dear — but please be a 
little more careful — that's all. 

Mrs. C. {Shuffling cards) — What did you say 
we were going to play? 

George— PINOCHLE ! And the cards have 
been shuffled quite enough. Go ahead and deal 

Percy — Oh, there's positively no hurry, you 
know. 

Mrs. C. — Oh, he always is in a hurry, Mr. Ham- 
ilton. {Starts to deal cards, then pauses.) Let's 
see. How many cards do I deal to each person? 



MEET MY WIFE 



George — Why, in pinochle you deal all the cards 
out, of course. 

l-'ERCY- -Of course. 

Mrs. C. — Oh ! Then every person gets all the 
cards? How can that be? What would the one 
do who did not have any cards? 

George — Say, for the love of a grain elevator, 
did you or did you not, ever play pinochle? 

Mrs. C. (Indignantly) — Why, of course I have. 

Percy (To George) — You said yourself she 
played a clever game — for a woman. 

George — Yes, for a woman! (To her) My 
dear, you deal three cards to each of us, leav- 
ing three cards in the center of the table, which is 
called the "widow." Now you remember, don't 
you? 

Mrs. C. — Oh, to be sure. How stupid of me. 
(Deals the cards around, three at a time, while 
the others pick them up. At the last cards she 
discovers she has made a mistake in deal.) Some- 
body has too many cards. I'm a card short. 

George (Groans) — Oh, Lord! 

Percy — Now don't scold her. It wasn't her 
fault. I've made misdeals loads of times, George. 

Mrs. C. — Yes, and so have you. 

George — Never mind — here — here the "widow" 
has one card too many. This is yours. (Shows 
card to her.) 

Mrs. C. — Why do they call that the "widow" I 
wonder ? 

Percy — Because — because — Oh, I heard a dread- 



15 

MEET MY WIFE 



uiJy clever answer for that one time. It was be- 
ause — because 

George — Maybe you'll think of it to-morrow 
■?erc. What do you bid to-night? 

Percy {Scanning cards) — Let's see. Oh, I'll 
iay — I'll say about 250 to start it off. 

George — Gee, you must have something. I'll 
,ay 260 to tease it along. (To her) How about 
/ou, dear? 

Mrs. C. (Holding cards azvkzvardly) — How 
nuch ought a person to bid on five nine spots and 
LOUT jacks and 

George — (Disgustedly) — Don't tell us what 
/ou've got in your hand. 

Mrs. C. — I'm not — anyhow, you'd find it out 
vhen the cards are played, wouldn't you? 

Percy (Laughs) — By jove ! That's clever— 
deucedly clever. 

George — Oh, yes — immensely clever 

Percy (Interrupting) — Oh, say; I've got it now 
VVhy is that called a "widow?" You don't know? 
[t's because — because when you pick it up you're 
50 disappointed in it. (Laughs.) 

George (Rising) — That's very good indeed, 
Perc. So good that I think we'll postpone the 
:ards until some future evening. Now if you'll 
excuse me for a couple of minutes, I'll go out and 
get something drinkable; sorry I haven't it in the 
house. After your brain exercise, Perc, I think you 
need something in the nature of a stimulant. What 
?ay you to a bottle of mild wine? 



16 

MEET MY WIFE 



Percy — Delighted, I'm sure. But why not let 
me go after it? 

Mrs. C. — No, no ; let George do it. 

Percy (Laughs) — "Let George do it." By jove 
— that is clever! (Laughs.) 

George — Oh, my wife is there with the clever 
stuff, all right, all right. Now I shant be gone 
long. In the meantime, Perc — (Lays one hand on 
Percy's shoulder). In the meantime, tell my wife 
some more of your really funny stories. I'll not 
be long. So long. 

(George grabs his hat and exits CD.) 

Percy (Aside) — Now to give the lady the shock 
of her life. (Deliberately makes eyes at her.) 

Mrs. C. (Gasping zvith astofiishment) — Good 
gracious! The wretch is trying to flirt with me. 
I'll teach him a lesson. (She smiles at him delib- 
erately. Goes to sofa and sits, sighing profoundly. 
Percy goes to chair R., sits and sighs in the same 
manner. Then they both look around toward Cen- 
ter door in a cautious manner.) 

Percy (Embarrassed) — It's a — it's a very pleas- 
ant evening, isn't it? 

Mrs. C— Is it? 

Percy — Why — Why, of course it is. 

Mrs. C. — Of course (Sighs). 

Percy (Silly laugh) — I heard an extremely 
clever story once about a pleasant evening. 

Mrs. C.— Oh, do tell it. (Aside) I hope he 
chokes. 

Percy (Thinking hard) — I — I can't seem to re- 



MEET MY WIFE 



member it. But it was really and truly a tcrriDi^ 
clever thing. 

Mrs. C. (Sighs, then smiles coquettishly at hint) 
— Don't you suppose you could think of something 
clever if you — you were to sit (Moves over on sofa, 
inviting him to come and sit beside her) over here? 

Percy (Exhibiting agitation) — I — I am quite 
comfortable here, you know. (Glances nervously 
about.) 

Mrs. C. (Sighs) — It shouldn't be a question of 
•your comfort. Perhaps there is someone else to be 
considered. (Coquettish biz.) 

Percy (Glancing nervously about) — ^Yes — that's 
it. 

Mrs. C. — Oh, don't mind George. I'm sure / 
don't. 

Percy (Aside) — She is tempting me. (To her) 
You appear to be very happy with George. 

Mrs. C. (Sighs) — Yes — I appear to be. 

Percy (Rising and again glancing at center door, 
then crossing to her) — It's really too bad, my dear 
Mrs. Chamberlain, that a woman of your charm- 
ing grace and cleverness should not have a more — 
more — well a husband more like myself, for in- 
stance. (Bends over her.) 

Mrs. C. (Hanging head shyly) — It's really not 
my fault, Mr. Hamilton. 

Percy (Speaking rapidly and earnestly) — I 
want to tell you something. You have asked me 
to say something clever. I'm going to try to now. 



MEET MY WIFE 



1 want to say that I have been playing a part here 
this evening 

Mrs. C. (Surprised) — You — playing a part? 

Percy — Please don't interrupt. (Glances again 
at center door, then bends over her and speaks 
rapidly as before.) Yes — playing a part. I had 
an object in view. I wanted your husband to be- 
lieve that I was something of a bore, a fool, if 
you will. One not clever enough to — to try — 
to try and make love to his wife — the most won- 
derful woman that ever stepped across my path — 
(She tries to stop him, but he seizes her hand and 
continues) : Don't try to stop me — I must tell you 
— tell you that I love you 

Mrs. C. (Drawing away in seeming horror and 
puttinz both hands to her ears) — No, no ; you 
must not — ■vou must not. I was only joking 

FERCY — 1 must and shall say it. I love you! 
You've got to leave this stupid husband of yours 
and come with me. Do you hear ? Come with me ! 

Mrs. C. — No, no ; I tell you no. 

Percy — Oh, I know how to make you yield. So ! 

(He is standing back of her and now grabs her 
tightly and kisses her two or three times madly. 
As he kisses her the first time George enters, goes 
to sideboard to deposit bottle and lunch basket 
which he carries. He apparently does not discover 
them uvtil he looks in mirror of sideboard, then 
the expression of his face changes from a genial 
one to that of one of mingled anger, surprise, and 
finally despair. He sets basket on sideboard, then 



MEET MY WIFE 



ixncfi bottle in rignt hana He comes aoivn to center 
table and slams bottle hard on it. With the sound 
Percy releases Mr. C. and both zvhirl about, fac- 
ing GEORGe. zi'ho stands staring fixedly at tnem. 
4 period of full 12 seconds elapses before a zvora 
IS spoken, during zvhich none move a muscle, 
then) : 

Mrs. C. {Excitedly) — George! {Sinks back on 
sofa, as if about to faint.) 

George (Coldly) — I surprised you, did I? 
(Percy backs across stage to R., with eyes fixed 
on George, then stops and leans both hands on 
back of chair, eyes glued on George. Then George, 
with a strong effort at self control, goes on brok- 
enly) : I — I hardly expected to see — to find any- 
thing Hke this 

Percy {Hoarsely) — It's all — all a mistake, 
George. 

George {Interrupting and turning fiercely 
tozvards him) — Shut up, you cur! There zvas no 
mistake! I saw what I sazv. I saw a traitorous 
friend and a faithless wife. I wish to God I could 
call it a mistake — anything but what it really is. 
And you — you snake in the grass ! You called 
yourself my friend. (Laughs bitterly.) My God 
— what a friend ! 

Mrs. C. {N'ozv for the first time taking hands 
from in front of her eyes, half rising from sofa 
and appealing to him) — George, look at me. Don't 
speak like that. I — I 

George {Turning to her) — As for you — well, 



20 

AlEET MY WIFE 



it's pretty hard to think one I called wife would — 
maybe I haven't always been just as I should have 
been. Perhaps I haven't been a good husband. 
But I've tried — tried hard. True, I haven't given 
you a lot of money, jewels and fine gowns. But 
— Oh, what's the use. You've started a circus, 
you two ; but the principal actor was late for the 
performance. He's here now, so we'll go on with 
the show. Keep your eyes on the ringmaster. 
(Szvitches on electric light, then reaches in drawer 
and brings out reioher which he holds under the 
strong light for a brief instant, then) : 

Percy {Raising chair high overhead, which he 
has all along been clutching tightly and is about 
to hurl it at George) — Damn you, I'll 

George {Turning revolver toward Percy and 
speaking slowly and coolly) — I said, keep your eye 
on the ringmaster. 

Mrs. C. — George — husband — listen to me! 

George {Still keeping Percy covered zvith re- 
volver and not looking towards her) — No, you'll 
listen to rue, madam. Both of you will listen. I'm 
going to kill you both in a few seconds. Kill you 
both, understand ! ( To Percy) You first, you 
snake! {To her) And then you. Such people as 
you only poison the air honest folks breathe. 

Mrs. C. {On knees and holding hands out- 
stretched tozcard him, pleadingly) — No, no — not 

that — not that I — I — he (Breaking down and 

sobbing.) 

Percy {Pointedly, to George) — The fact is. old 



MEET MY WIFE 



chap, the big scene in my new play wants a climax, 
and your good wife, while endeavoring to teach 
me a well-deserved lesson, merely helped to prove 
what a jealous husband looks like. 

George (To Mrs. C.) — Is this true? 

Mrs. C. (Sobbing quietly) — I swear it. 

George (Magnanimously) — Rise, Mrs. C, I 
forgive you. 

Mrs. C. (Springing up joyously and throzvin^ 
her arms about his neck) — George, George, you're 
an angel! (George winks at Percy) Fll never be 
cross with you again, dear, never! 

(With her arms about his neck she drops her 
head on his shoulder. George, zmth his left arm 
about her waist, offers his right hand to Percy, 
who is on the R. Percy grasps George's hand 
and shakes it heartily as the curtain descends.^ 
curtain. 

Positions at Curtain: 
Percy. Mrs. C. and George. 



One-Act Comedy Sketches and Monologs by 
HARRY NEWTON ^ 

"An Invitation to the Ball." 

A comedy sketch in 1 scene for 1 male and 1 female, 

by Harry L. Newton. 

Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose Johnson, 
a colored servant, and Birdie Birdsell, the daughter of 
his master, who has made up her mind to attend a 
masque ball with Mose in attendance. Price 25 cents, 
postpaid. 

"A ROSE OF MEXICO." 

A comedy-dramatic playlet of Mexican life, by Harry 

L. Newton. 

An original dramatic playlet for 1 male and 1 female, 
the scene of which is laid in Mexico. 

The story is of absorbing interest centered around 

Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently returned from school 

in the United States. Pedro, a Mexican youth, has 

turned bandit in her absence to secure money enough 

to ask her to marry him. He discovers that she loves 

one Frank Carter, a young engineer. He threatens 

Carter's life and at the same time admits that he has 

stolen the pay-roll, which Carter may be accused of 

stealing. By stratagem she obtains his bowie knife 

and revolver and compels him to give up the stolen 

money, saving her sweetheart's honor thereby. 

25 Cents Postpaid 

"Two Girls and Him." 

A comedy classic in 1 scene for 2 females and 1 male, 

by Harry L. Newton. 

There is a vein of exquisite sentiment running 
through this little playlet which is particularly appeal- 
ing, for it is a veritable chapter from real life. 

Two good-natured chorus ladies. Florence and Birdie 
Feathertop, find themselves stranded at a little depot 
with five cents between them and no way of getting 
back home, unless by walking. Timothy McDufY, the 
tender-hearted old station agent, hears of their sad 
plight and spends his savings with which he was going 
to buy a phonograph, to pay their way to the city. 

"A Jack and a Queen." 

A comedietta in 1 act for 2 males and 1 female, by 
Harry L. Newton. 
Jack Wilson, a young bachelor, having recently re- 
turned from a tour of the world, decides to settle down 
by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason, whom he has 
not seen for eight years. Flora pays a surreptitious 
visit to Jack's apartments and discovers that "Tottie 
Twinkletoes," a dancer, is to call upon him that after- 
noon. Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes 
her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception and 
some very smart dialogue ensues, at the end of which 
peace and mutual understanding are fully established. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 
86 Witmark Bldg. New York 



MINSTREL AND VAUDEVILLE FARCES 

"Izzy's Vacation." 

A summer episode in 2 scenes, by Harry L. Newton. 

This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedian 
and lady who can play pert young miss, wearing her 
hair down her back in braids. 

Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and 
constantly running across Grace Howe, a breezy young 
person who, in the spirit of mischief, accuses Izzy of 
having followed her. In scene two they meet by a 
babbimg brook, and as both are on a lishing expedi- 
tion, some ludicrous situations are created with mucn 
smart dialogue. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid 



"THE HIGH LICENSE COURT." 
Burlesque By Frank Dumont 

The unlimited possibilities for fun in the court-room 
scene have surely been taken advantage of in this skit. 
The "inside working" of the Police Court Judiciary is 
cleverly satirized. Makes a fine after-piece for where 
an ensemble wants something to do. 

Price complete, 25 cents postpaid 



"VERY DANGEROUS TRICKS." 
Farce by Frank Dumont. 
Novel and bright. Humorous situations develop one 
after the other. A continual howl — the result. Easy 
to "put on." 

Price complete, 25 cents postpaid 



"DR. HIPP, THE HYPNOTISER." 
Farce by Frank Dumont. 

Not necessary for much description, excepting to call 
attention to the many excruciatingly funny situations 
that present themselves in a burlesque on "Hypnotis- 
ing." Laugh succeeds laugh "rapid fire like," and the 
climax — a volcanic eruption of "Ha Ha's.'' 
Price complete, 25 cents postpaid 



"GET BACKS." 
Dialogue for two comedians, by Frank Dumont. 

This is not a farce — not a sketch — nor an after-piece — 
simply a "long-felt want" in the shape of a bright, 
brisk act, consisting of a dialogue of crossfire gags 
and stories especially, and for the first time prepared 
and arranged for two comedians, to do as an olio num- 
ber of a vaudeville or minstrel performance. 
Price complete, 25 cents postpaid 
Positively No Plays Exchanged. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 
86 Witmark Bldg. New York 



SEP 4 1913 QOMIC TRAVESTIES 

'DOCTOR LOW-RENTS (LORENTZ) SURGERY/' 

THE CO-RE-IN TWINS. 
Farce by Frank Dumont. 

4 Male Characters. 
An exceedingly funny act. Can be played in white 
or black face. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

"THE MANHATTAN CLUB." 
A Comedy Sketch Adapted to a Alale Quartette, Intro- 
ducing the Song, "Bill of Fare." 
By J. Bodewalt Lampe. 
A refined sketch for male characters. Clean, bright 
and novel, just the thing for a singing comedy four. 
Humorous dialog in which two selected songs can be 
introduced in addition to the song, "Bill of Fare," 
which accompanies the sketch. 

Price, 50 cents, complete, postpaid. 

"THE STAGE-STRUCK BOARDING HOUSE." 

Burlesque in One Scene. 

By Frank Dumont. 

4 Males — 2 Females. 

A depiction of a stage-struck boarding house with 

the consequential amusing outcome of such a state of 

affairs. The experience of Mr. Somerset, who has been 

invited to come down for a visit, with the assurance 

that he'll have a pleasant time, is very interesting. — 

George gets more than he expected. 

Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"GIVE AND TAKE." 
"Hat" Dialog for Two Comedians. 
By Frank Dumont. 
The second series of "Get-Backs." Quick, snappy 
work for two funny men; an up-to-date, novel and 
interesting act for the olio or second part of a minstrel 
entertainment. Can also be used in any other per- 
formance. Sure to please. A laugh in every speech. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"GET-BACKS." 
Dialog for Two Comedians. 
By Frank Dumont. 
This is not a farce — nor a sketch — nor an after-piece 
— simply a "long-felt want" in the shape of a bright, 
brisk act, consisting of a dialog of crossfire gags and 
stories especially and for the first time prepared and 
arranged for two comedians to do as an olio number 
of a vaudeville or minstrel performance. 
Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 
"AUTOMOBILE CRAZY." 
* Burlesque in One Scene. 

By Frank Dumont. 
7 Males — 1 Female. 
A successful, up-to-date burlesque, which calls for 
vigorous action all around. It is always received with 
tumultuous applause. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. 

M. WITMARK & SONS 
86 Witmark Bldg. New York 



r 



4 l! 



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LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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Our correspondence specialists are particul ^ WlO 910 174 5 ^. 

you valuable suggestions and arrange by mail any styie ui tm^. ..„ 

bition or performance desired, and can furnish low and accurate estimates of 
costs, and accessories required. 

Just a few of the THINGS WE CAN DO FOR YOU 
S^ NOTE THE WIDE VARIETY ^m 

Our Entertainment Publications are gotten up for every requirement and 
occasion by the most noted professionals for the use of every class of Amateur, 
and comprise among others: Action Songs, Recitations, Readings, Dialogs, Drills, 
Solos, Quartets, Cantatas, Operettas and Musical Comedies, Comic Operas and 
Grand Operas, Comedies, Farces, Dramas, Sketches, Burlesques, Tableaux, Min- 
strel Overtures and Finales, Minstrel Guides, Joke and Gag Books, Monologs, 
Afterpieces, Vaudeville Material, IMusic Instruction Books, Guides to Selecting 
Plays, Magical Books, Books on How to Make-Up, Side Degrees, Burlesque 
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tions, Operatic Clubs, Oratorio and Choral Societies, Glee Clubs and Quartets, 
Minstrel, Vaudeville, Lyceum and Concert Entertainers — also suggestions and 
materials for Social Entertaining, Fairs, Exhibitions, Fates, Outdoor Occa- 
sions, etc., etc. 

We are the exclusive owners and controllers of over 200 copyrighted comic 
operas and musical comedies including such successes as "Robin-Hood," "Wizard 
of the Nile," '"The Serenade," "Wang," and others, especially adapted for ama- 
teur productions, for which we supply the prompt book, stag« manager's guide, 
dialogue parts, vocal scores, solo and chorus parts, orchestral score and orches- 
tral parts, and we are the only house that can give the right to play them. We 
carry everything in this department from PINAFORE to PARSIFAL. NO MAT- 
TER WHAT KIND OF ENTERTAINMENT YOU NEED, CONSULT US. 

We publish Catalogs and Literature covering all of the above. WRITE us 
what you are particularly interested in and we will START YOU RIGHT. 



Ours is the only House in the whole world that is so 
thoroughly equipped for the Amateur Entertainer 

FOR CATALOGS, SUPPLIES. ETC.. ADDRESS 

M. WITMARK & SONS 

ENTERTAINMENT SUPPLIES DEPT. 

5 Witmark Building : : : : : New York 

For information and for suggestions, address personally 

ALBERT CARLTON, Director, Information Bureau 



M. WITMARK & SONS 



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